Being an expert on everything, I am widely sought-after by dykes desirous of wisdom.
I am flattered and wooed; I am respectfully approached; and, more often than not, I am asked: “How do I score with the pixie-haired/faux-hawked/artsy-mulleted ladygay(s) in my social circle?”
One answer: bartending.
This, of course, is not entirely helpful when the object of your lust/affection is a non-drinker.
But even if that is the case, as it very well may be, I hope the broader points from today’s lesson will be of use to you.
Before I begin, I must make one thing clear: we are all about the consent here at Good Catholic Dykes. Using the fine art of bartending to mack on the ladies is not about plying women with liquor so you can creep on them. So take no offense, dyke feminists one and all! This is about empowerment.
To anyone who foolishly doubts the connection between bartending and seduction, I say: consider the lady bartender.
Short hair or a sharp ponytail, dressed all in black, making change with one hand and opening bottles with the other, the lady bartender is highly competent, mysterious, and silently capable of kicking ass and taking names should the bar get out of hand.
Maybe she acts unimpressed with you and your stupid friends. Maybe she flirts with you and your charming friends. It hardly matters. Either way, you are putty in her hand.
I first witnessed the power of the lady bartender several years ago in Montreal. A good Catholic straight friend of mine sat across the table from me in a loud, crowded bar watching the dark-ponytailed lady bartender. After a long pause, she said:
“She knows everything.”
I doubted this. But my friend insisted, “No. That bartender knows everything. She knows those guys over there are d-bags. She knows I just ordered a gin and tonic because it’s the only mixed drink I’ve even heard of. She knows everything. She knows.”
My friend followed this observation a few short moments later with, “She’s hot.”
I could not disagree.
Become a Lady Bartender
I am not a professional lady bartender. No, dykes, I am but an amateur. But hear ye this: what would barely have passed for drink-mixing competence in our grandparents’ generation looks pretty badass in 2011.
Why shouldn’t we, too, benefit from the low standards of our day?
Mixing a few basic cocktails is easy peasy lemon squeezy, as we have discussed before. Get you a bartending book, a jigger, a bottle of liquor, and something to mix it with, and you are in business. Also, wear a vest. It helps.