Happy Memorial Day, dykes! Let’s talk about your face.
As you may already realize, I often appreciate menswear and men’s products, in large part, because of their timelessness. Often with men’s products, the high-quality classic is preferred to the fashionable but disposable. Unfortunately, women’s clothing and beauty products tend not to follow this pattern; the quality, in my opinion, tends to be lower, and the fashions change more rapidly. There aren’t many iconic products for ladies.
But there’s cold cream.
Cold cream has existed for almost 2,000 years. Am I making shit up? No, dykes, I am not. According to Wikipedia, font of all wisdom, cold cream was invented by the second century Greek physician, Galen. Mind you, the second century was also the hey-day of early Christian theology, the era of Justin Martyr, Polycarp, Irenaeus, and Tertullian, and some of the more influential heretics. I’m not saying the two are related. I’m not saying they’re not.
More recently, your grandmother used cold cream. She used it for everything. It was her make-up remover, her facial cleanser, her moisturizer, her lotion, her sunburn relief. Not to mention that French ladies—who, frankly, know what’s up when it comes to looking good and aging well—are all about the face cream. Cold cream is particularly helpful if you live in a cold, dry climate, and it’s probably better-suited to dry than oily skin. A 9.5 oz tub of cold cream cost me about five bucks when I bought it ten months ago, and I’ve still got half a tub left. Speaking of which, have we talked about how much I love it when things come in tubs? Really I do.
Now about brands. I bought the CVS store brand because it was cheaper. Pond’s is the iconic brand, but according to a bunch of angry ladies on the interwebs, Ponds changed the formula. Interestingly, a number of those ladies recommend the CVS brand, as it contains only the traditional ingredients. I compared labels the last time I graced the face aisle at my local CVS branch, and this appears to be true. CVS brand cold cream contains: mineral, oil, water, beeswax, ceresin, sodium borate, fragrance, and carbomer. I don’t remember what all was in the Pond’s, but it had some extra crap with lots of i’s, o’s, and unusual consonant combinations. Which isn’t necessarily bad—some people still love Pond’s, and what the hell do I know, Pond’s may have changed it up for a reason. But either way, my understanding is that CVS brand is closer to the original formula.
How to Use It
Scoop some cold cream with your finger, smooth it over your face, and massage your face with your fingertips. Then wipe it off with tissues or a warm washcloth. Done.
Q: In the 1991 movie Bingo—which I loved in kindergarten but in retrospect actually I think it was an awful movie–what does Bingo the runaway circus dog like to eat?
A: Cold cream.
Cold cream, ladies. It’s simple, iconic, and economical—everything a good Catholic dyke would love.